December 14, 2017

Survival Guide: Holiday Potlucks

Holiday Office/Work/Acquaintance parties are inevitable. Someone decided that the best way to celebrate the season was to gather around unidentifiable dishes that are nothing like your mamma used to make.

In light of this, here is my playbook when it comes to these situations. I’m giving away all my secrets here but, because it’s you and I care, I’ll be alright with it.

My go-to item to bring to these functions are spoons. Always volunteer to bring the spoons. Since cooking is not necessarily my anointing in that I don’t enjoy it at all – this works the best for me. In the event spoons or other paper products are unavailable, ice is your next bet. If you are fortunate enough to snag your first choice, here is your step-by-step survival guide:


1. Go to the store. Your local Target will do if you’d like to find them in a logical place, next to other paper products. If you have a little more time and feel you’re not annoyed enough for the day go to Walmart, where you will find them next to the garden center or the automotive goods.
       **Introvert bonus tip – leave for the potluck 16 minutes after it starts and just stop by the store on your way. You’ll be late, they will have no spoons – but it’s less socializing for you so…..

 

2. Once you have located them, select carefully. There is much to consider – how many ppl will be there? What kinds of dishes will be served? Do you need the thin cheapy spoons or will you splurge on the biodegradable kind. Or, if you’ve chosen the Walmart route and would like everyone else’s frustration to match the amount you’ve now acquired – maybe get the sporks…

 

3. When you’ve selected the proper choice, bring them to the register…. that’s really the only step here. If you mess that up, I cannot help you.Purchase the spoons & take them to your destination.

 

4. Upon arrival, make sure people see that you brought the spoons. They need to know you contributed to the shindig-aries. Flash ’em a little bit. Wave them around. Maybe mention to someone passing by, “man who knew spoons were so hard to find, right haha?” it will make no sense to them…but they will remember you brought the spoons.

 

5. Put the spoons (or sporks if ya petty) on the table, matching the setting of the other plastic ware.

 

6. And, finally, and this is the most important step – don’t use them if you’re at a work potluck or somewhere full of people you don’t know….cuz you don’t know what Susan put in her potato salad and you know Janeane didn’t wash her hands that one time you were in the restroom with her. Drink some water, smile a lot, and grab a burger on your way home. 

Good luck out there young grasshopper. 

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