I don’t have anything to be proud of this year – wow, that sounds dramatic doesn’t it?
I have done some good work. City And Hill looks better than it ever has and I’m really happy with the content on it. It’s certainly not anywhere near where I see it could be – readership is modest (that’s a really nice word for quite low), but it’s at a level of quality at which it’s never been.
My dance company is solid – we’re producing great work. Teaching is going well. Still very few people know what I actually do, which is evidenced by them asking, “so, how’s your dance…thing going?” I do think it’s better than it’s ever been.
I’ve taken on a new leadership role this year and, to be honest, I don’t think I’m killing it. It’s not wildly more successful since I took over or anything. I’m not even sure if I’m the right fit yet. Nothing exciting has happened. Nothing exploded in popularity, nothing went viral. No notable advancements occurred this year as a result of any of this. It’s all just kind of, good.
I say none of this so people can assuage my feelings with empty affirmations to assure me I’m better than I think I am. This is simply reality. And it’s ok. Truly.
Listen, I hope you had big wins this year. I hope life changing things happened. I hope you stepped into your destiny, got bigger checks and made big moves.
But, in case you didn’t, I’m with you. This is for us, friends.
You, who feels like nothing worthwhile was done, understand that it’s all relative. And I’d venture to say you probably had a lot of highlights this year, which are also relative. If you felt happy doing it, it was a highlight. It doesn’t matter if it was still in your hometown or while you were still living with your parents or hadn’t paid off that debt yet.
If it brought you a moment of feeling like life was a good place to be it counts.
In the event you didn’t do the large scale things you were hoping for during the year of our Lord 2019, nothing is wasted with God.
Some years are for building, for learning, for piecing together. Some years are not for big moves, some are for creating the scaffolding that will hold them up in the future. Some years are about learning to trust – to actually trust – instead of just saying it. Trust is active – it is a practice, a discipline, a thing you do not a thing you say. This season may have been about what it actually looks like, in practice, to trust God.
If you made decisions that put you in a better place for what’s next. If you got through a breakup with someone who wasn’t good for you so you can be in a place to find who will be great for you. If you got closer to God. If your prayer life is stronger. If you’re serving in God’s house. If you got more knowledge about the things you want to do. If are physically, mentally, financially, or spiritually better – not perfect – but better. If you have a clearer vision for your life. If you made it through something hard. If you made the difficult choices that made you healthier. If your fighting through shyness. If you stepped out of your comfort zone. If you went to therapy. If you have new resolve to take your dreams seriously.
If you have done any one or all of these things, congratulations. Your year was worthwhile.
This year, personally, there were a lot of silent battles and not so silent meltdowns. Through it all I have become more myself. I’m smack in the middle of my journey to stop playing small. I believe in myself a little more than I did at the beginning of this year. I believe in my voice and my talent more. I have identified some of my blind spots and growth areas that I was unable to last year. I’m doing work that I believe in. This, these, are big.
So no, I don’t have anything tangible to point to with data in hand to say, “now this – this was a giant win this year! I can’t believe I accomplished it.” I don’t know that my hustle out hustled anybody and I secured no bags. Some respectable pouches, yes, but have not yet graduated to a bag situation. Sometimes, that’s just how it be. But what my year was, was valuable. Immensely valuable and I am ready for whatever comes next.
When you look back and take stock of what happened this year, I would encourage you not to list out what you did, but, rather, who you became & who you are becoming.
Maybe you don’t have some thing to be proud of this year, but I’d bet you are someone to be proud of.
Who did you become this year? Drop something you learned about yourself that will help you in your 2020.